"So, what do you do?" has never once made two women closer. Here are the questions we use instead, from light and funny to the ones that get you to the real stuff.
Why "What do you do?" goes nowhere
The New York hello is "So, what do you do?" You answer with your title. She answers with hers. You both decide in ten seconds whether the other is worth talking to. That's a resume swap, and it's how most conversations between adults start.
At Wonder Women dinners, we skip it. Yao wants to meet the version of you that your best friend or your husband knows. So we ask questions that pull out stories. As Yao puts it, the table is a place to "share things you haven't even told your husband."
Our most famous one opens every dinner: "What does Google not know about you?" It's harder than it sounds.
What makes a question "deep"
A good question asks for a story. "Where are you from?" gets you a city. "What did your family do on Sundays when you were growing up?" gets you ten minutes and a laugh.
It also gives the other person room to choose how much to share. The best questions work at two levels. Someone can give a funny answer or a real one, and both are fine.
"Stories from our lives—from the sordid and subversive to the mischievous and misguided… connect, not compete."Lynn Altman, Wonder Women member
Light and funny conversation starters for friends
Start here. Laughter is how walls come down, and it makes the deeper questions easier later.
- What does Google not know about you?
- What's the most ridiculous job you ever had?
- What's a skill you have that nobody would ever guess?
- What's the worst thing that ever happened to you on a trip, and how did you get out of it?
- What's your karaoke song? (Yao's is "Gangsta's Paradise.")
- What's the weirdest thing that happened to you this week?
- What were you obsessed with at 14?
- What's the dumbest way you've ever been injured?
- What trend did you fully commit to that you'd like everyone to forget?
Deep questions about life
Once people have laughed together, they'll go further.
- What was a turning point in your life that nobody would guess from your resume?
- Who opened a door for you when you needed it?
- What's something you changed your mind about in the last few years?
- What did you have to unlearn from how you were raised?
- When did you feel most like yourself?
- What's the bravest thing you've ever done that nobody saw?
- What's the best advice you ignored?
- What do you wish more people asked you about?
- What's a hard year you're glad you went through?
Questions about dreams and what's next
- What would you do next if money didn't matter?
- What's something you've always wanted to try and keep putting off?
- If you could switch careers tomorrow, what would you do?
- What do you want people to say about you at your 80th birthday party?
- Where do you want to live when you're 75, and who's living with you?
- What's on your list for this year that isn't about work?
- What are you more excited about now than you were ten years ago?
Dinner party conversation starters for the whole table
These work when you want one conversation instead of ten side chats:
- How did you meet your partner, or your best friend?
- What's a family tradition you'd recommend to everyone here?
- What's the best thing that happened to you this month?
- What's one thing everyone at this table should do before the year is over?
- Who here has the best "I almost got arrested" story?
How to actually ask them
- Go first. If you want people to open up, open up YOURSELF. Your honest answer gives everyone else permission.
- Ask one follow-up. "Wait, what happened next?" is worth more than five new questions.
- Don't run it like an interview. One good question can carry a whole dinner. Don't read the list.
- Start light. Nobody wants "What's your biggest regret?" before the bread arrives.
- Let people pass. A funny answer is still an answer. The women who open up are the ones who make friends at the table, but nobody should feel cornered.
- Keep it at the table. What gets shared at dinner stays at dinner. That's what makes people willing to share the next time.
Our members feel the difference. "Senior women can connect as people first, leaders second," says Keisha Watson, a CFO and Wonder Women member in London. "The magic is in the intimacy, the trust, the friendships."
Questions people ask us
What are good deep questions to ask friends?
Questions that ask for a story: "What's a turning point nobody would guess?", "Who opened a door for you?", "What would you do if money didn't matter?" Start with something funny first, so people are relaxed before you go deeper.
What is a good conversation starter with friends?
"What does Google not know about you?" It's funny, it works with old friends and new ones, and it skips straight past jobs and titles to the stories people actually remember.
What are good dinner party conversation starters?
Questions the whole table can answer, like how you met your partner or best friend, or the best thing that happened this month. Open with funny introductions so everyone has spoken once early on.
How do you get past small talk?
Skip "What do you do?" and "How's the weather?" Compliment her necklace, share something weird that happened to you this week, or ask a question that needs a story to answer. Then listen and ask what happened next.
Come to dinner
Wonder Women hosts private dinners for accomplished women in members' homes in New York, Chicago, LA, London, Sydney and 30+ more cities. By invitation.
Apply for a dinnerDr. Yao Huang founded Wonder Women more than twenty years ago with a table of four friends in New York. Today it's 20,000 women and 5,000 dinners in 30+ cities. She is also the founder of The Hatchery and a three-time TEDx speaker.