How to make friends as an adult woman: it starts with a laugh

I've watched 20,000 women make friends at 5,000 dinners. It's not luck, and it's not about having more time. It's a laugh, a habit, and showing up over and over again.

Why it got so hard

In your twenties, friends just happen. School, roommates, your first job, the bar after work. Then life gets full. Career, partner, kids, a move to a new city. Nobody schedules friendship for you anymore.

And the numbers show it. In 1990, 1% of American women said they had no close friends. By 2021 it was 10% (Survey Center on American Life). About half of U.S. adults now report feeling lonely, according to the U.S. Surgeon General's 2023 advisory.

So what does it take to make real friends at our age? Here's what I've seen work, again and again.

1. It starts with a laugh

Find someone whose humor syncs with yours. You get each other's jokes. You have those psychic moments where you're both thinking the same thing and you just look at each other.

That's the spark. Funny is sticky. It's why we spend an hour at every Wonder Women dinner making each other laugh. The laughing is how you find your people.

2. Find something you both love, and do it REGULARLY

Then go find something you both enjoy doing. Mahjong. Tennis. Ladies' poker night. A spa day. Wonder Women started as four friends trying a different restaurant every month.

And don't talk about work so much. We were all successful, and we didn't want to talk about work after work. We talked about parties, kids, whatever your life is about. That's when you stop being colleagues and start being friends.

You're more than your job. You're a mom, a girlfriend, a DJ, a singer, a tennis player. Let those sides out. That's who people actually bond with.

3. Step it up

Once you've got a rhythm, go bigger. A trip. A concert. A party. We go on trips together. I'm planning a Wonder Women trip to Burning Man. I once did an inflatable costume kickball game with a group of menopausal women, because it is literally hours of laughing.

Shared adventures turn "we hang out sometimes" into "remember when."

4. Cadence matters

Call each other regularly, just because. Not because you need something. Just because.

One thing I learned early: to keep a relationship, you need to catch up at least monthly. That's why Wonder Women dinners happen every month. The next one is already on the calendar, so you don't have to figure out how you'll see these people again. It's almost like autopilot for friendship.

Friendship is a priority, or it fades. Put it on the calendar like everything else that matters.

5. SHOW UP, over and over again

Be there. In person, on the phone, even on social. Be there when she needs something. Remember her special moments. Think of her when an opportunity comes up.

Then do it again. And again. That's the whole secret. Trust gets built in the repeats.

"I've laughed a shit ton during times when I really needed it, and found community in a city in which I'm still growing roots. I've found friends."Jamie Harju Hallquist, Wonder Women member, Chicago

Where to meet women friends

Go where people actually get to know each other. Small, repeat, in person. A group that meets every month beats a giant event you go to once.

Homes beat restaurants. When we started hosting dinners in members' homes, I noticed how differently people behaved walking into a home. Some brought gifts. They got comfortable. The vibe changed. Food passed around the table instead of plated. Everyone talking.

And go where someone you trust invites you. Every woman at a Wonder Women dinner was invited by someone we already know. It's a whisper network, and that's why it feels like friends from the first hour.

Making friends in your 30s, 40s, 50s and beyond

The steps don't change with age. What changes is how intentional you have to be.

In your 30s and 40s, time is the problem. Career and kids eat everything. That's when cadence saves you: one standing dinner a month, one friend you call on the drive home.

In your 50s and beyond, it gets more important, not less. "The older I get, the more intentional I become about the rooms I choose to spend time in," says Bonnie Sue Lovelace, a former Fortune 500 SVP and Wonder Women member. "Not because of the titles in them, but because of the people."

I think about this a lot. The men are going to die before us. The kids won't need you the same way. Why don't we just hang out with each other? That's why we're working on a Golden Girls compound. I'll be the DJ. You can teach yoga.

Questions women ask me

How do I make friends as an adult woman?

Start with someone who makes you laugh. Do something you both enjoy, on a regular schedule. Step it up to trips and parties. Call just because, and show up when it matters. Repeat.

Where can I meet women friends?

Small groups that meet regularly and in person: a monthly dinner, a mahjong or poker night, a sports league, a book club that actually meets. Go where someone you trust invites you.

How often should you see a friend to stay close?

At least once a month, plus calls in between. Cadence keeps a friendship alive more than any one big moment.

Why is it so hard to make friends after 30?

Life stops scheduling friendship for you. There's no more dorm, no more happy hour with the whole office. You have to make it a priority and put it on the calendar.

Dr. Yao Huang founded Wonder Women more than twenty years ago with a table of four friends in New York. Today it's 20,000 women and 5,000 dinners in 30+ cities. She is also the founder of The Hatchery and a three-time TEDx speaker.