How to network as an introvert: skip the room, go small and repeat

Introverts hear "networking" and picture a ballroom, a name tag and 300 strangers. Skip all that. A network gets built one real conversation at a time, and introverts tend to be very good at real conversations.

Introverts are better at the part that matters

At every Wonder Women dinner, each guest stands up and introduces herself. Some women light up the table. Some don't love it. Yao has watched that moment at 5,000 dinners, and she's noticed something.

Some of the women who "didn't perform very well" in the intros went on to become very close friends with the people at that table. As Yao puts it, "they were better one-on-one."

The intro takes two minutes. The friendship happens after: over the next plate, the next conversation, the next dinner. That's where introverts shine. You listen. You ask the second question. You remember what she told you about her daughter's college search or her terrible boss, and you ask about it next time.

A network is the people who will pick up the phone when you call (more on that in Hate networking? So do I.). Nobody picks up because you worked the room well. They pick up because they know you.

Skip the room. Go small.

Big networking events are built for extroverts. Hundreds of people, a loud room, thirty seconds each, and "So, what do you do?" on repeat. If that drains you, stop going. You'll build more in one good dinner than in ten of those.

Small rooms work differently. At our dinners there are about twenty women, seated, in someone's home. Seating is intentional. Yao puts people next to each other for a reason, and "you have to talk to each other to find out why." For an introvert, that's a gift. Someone already picked your conversation for you.

Look for formats like these:

• A seated dinner of eight to twenty people, ideally in a home
• A monthly mahjong or ladies' poker night
• A tennis game, a hike, a walk: side by side is easier than face to face
• Coffee with one person you already like
• A small dinner you host yourself, for six

If you work from home, it's even easier to disappear. Gallup found 25% of fully remote employees felt lonely "a lot" the previous day, compared with 16% of people fully on-site (Gallup). Quiet people need the small room more, not less.

Then repeat

Meeting strangers costs an introvert energy. Seeing the same people again costs a lot less. So pick one group and keep going back.

Yao's rule is to catch up with the relationships you care about at least monthly, or they fade. That's why Wonder Women dinners happen every month. The first dinner is the hardest. The second one, you recognize faces. After a few, you're not walking into a room of strangers anymore. You're walking into a room of friends.

One group that meets REGULARLY beats five events you go to once.

Prepare one story

Introverts like to prepare. Good. Use it.

Our intro is short: your name, what you do, and something Google doesn't know about you (how the icebreaker works). Two minutes, tops. If you've thought about it before you walk in, it's easy.

1. Pick one true story. The most ridiculous job you ever had. A skill nobody would guess. The trip that went wrong.
2. Make it a little funny if you can. Funny is sticky. When you make the table laugh, people come find you later, and you don't have to go find them.
3. Say it out loud once at home. It sounds different in your head.
4. Land it and stop. Short is better. At our dinners, if Yao spins her hand at her throat, it's time to wrap it up.

Your story does the networking for you. Someone will come up after and say, "Wait, you did WHAT?" Now you're in a real conversation, which is exactly where you're good.

How to talk to people when you hate small talk

Good news: you don't need small talk. Skip "How's the weather?" and "What do you do?"

• Compliment her necklace, and ask where it's from
• Tell her the weird true thing that happened to you this week
• Ask about her story from the intros: "How did you end up doing that?"
• Ask the follow-up question. Most people never do.

People remember the person who listened to them. That's usually the introvert at the table.

Follow up with one person

You don't need to leave with thirty business cards. Leave with one or two names you actually liked.

Send a note within the week. Even better, send something useful: the article you talked about, the name of the contractor, an introduction she mentioned she needed. When Yao was new in New York and knew nobody, she remembered what everyone wanted and handed it to them, usually within the week. Twenty years later, she still has those relationships.

Then see her again. That's the whole method. Small, real, and repeated.

Questions people ask us

Can introverts be good at networking?

Yes, and often better at the part that lasts. Introverts listen, ask good questions and remember details, which is how trust gets built. The trick is to skip big mixers and go where you can have real one-on-one conversations.

How do I network if I hate small talk?

Skip it. Open with a compliment or a weird true thing from your week, then ask a real question and a follow-up. Small, seated groups make this much easier than a crowded room.

How should an introvert introduce herself?

Prepare it ahead: your name, what you do, and one short true story people wouldn't find on Google. Practice it once out loud. Keep it under two minutes and stop when you've landed it.

How often should an introvert go to networking events?

Less often, and smaller. One group that meets every month will do more for you than a different big event every week, because the relationships build each time you go back.

Dr. Yao Huang founded Wonder Women more than twenty years ago with a table of four friends in New York. Today it's 20,000 women and 5,000 dinners in 30+ cities. She is also the founder of The Hatchery and a three-time TEDx speaker.